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captain swan crack! fanfic master list (volume 1)

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crack!fic

Misadventures with Magic
Before Henry could reply, Emma pulled away from the kiss, giggling like a schoolgirl as she let her hand trail down Hook’s clothed chest sickeningly slowly. Her hand didn’t stop until she reached the crotch of his pants, leaning in close again and cupping him sensually through the leather.

At the Office
“Oh shit,” he heard Emma say, followed by further cursing and the rustling of people trying to find their clothes. Killian had the nerve to laugh, and David heard him get slapped as well.

Fighting Words
"You’re right," she panted, leaning down slightly, causing her golden curls to fall forward and brush against his ear. "I’m on my own side, now. And a woman who doesn’t fight for what she wants deserves what she gets."

The Outing
"When you asked me if I wanted to go out on the water today, I wasn’t expecting this, darling," Killian said, as Emma stepped off the dock into a small motorized fishing boat. "Are you sure it won’t capsize? It looks an awfully sorry ship, lass."

Fireplace
He leaned back, a look of confusion twisting on his face before he flipped the light switch again. Up, down, up, down, he continued to turn the fireplace on and off like a 5 year old trying to create a light show in a room.

Keeping up with Hook
He decided to tell the kid the story about how he met Rumpelstiltskin, fell in love with his wife, took her away, and then saw him again years later. How he came and ripped her heart out right in front of him, taking away his very being, everything he loved. He was quite animated as he told his story, and once he was done, he noticed that a bunch of people had gathered around him. Once he was done they all clapped.

You Never Forget Your First
Killian Jones, the fearsome pirate Captain of the Jolly Roger had seen too much in his wandering life to be either impressed with or afraid of. Nevertheless, he would never forget his first trip to Neverland with Emma, especially when the Swan girl’s charming parents were included.

Meet the Parents (1)
“Your Highnesses,” he proclaimed. “Will one of you do me the massive favor of shutting your bloody trap, and then shall both of you permit me to take your daughter as my lawfully wedded matey, thus for me to have and hold in good fortune and ill, the latter being a sight more likely when she’s with me, while trusting that I shall always fight for her, find her, make toes-crossing love to her, cherish her, take no other until my dying day, and occasionally apply a silk scarf or two as seen fit?”

Part 2
That was it. The entire arbor gasped, half in horror and half in delight, as David launched himself at Killian, sending them both into the trestle table. 

Part 3

At that, as she reached out to let her baby daughter curl one tiny hand around her finger, she heard a faint, stifled noise, and glanced up in alarm. What she saw made her actually stare.

No Rush
They’d been trying to have sex for nearly two months. Whenever they got even close to a bed or a desk or a wall (they weren’t picky) they were interrupted.

Boys Night
“So, lemme get this straight.” Said Whale, beginning to take a count in his fingers. “She called your bullshit and tied you to a tree, left your ass at the top of the beanstalk, knocked you out at the lake-portal-thingy, chained you to a hospital bed, and knocked you out cold with and umbrella stand?! You either got some serious dominatrix issues with that girl, or you need to rethink your career choice as a pirate!”

Hook and Red Bull
“This magic drink you gave me Emma is so efficient.  I feel like I could…could do so much.”  He said, as he paced back and forth.

The Swan Girls
"What are you ——"  his jaw dropped when he saw their handiwork: his whole face had been covered in multicolored glitter, his eyebrows were painted green and whereas his eyelids purple; his lips —and every trace of skin and stubble around them— were a bright shade of red; and the icing on the cake, there was a drawing of a hook and a swan forming a heart shape on his cheek.

To Have Faith Is To Have Wings
Emma peered at the DVD case thoughtfully. “I don’t know, he’s definitely not bad looking.” Killian looked positively scandalized and Emma grinned playfully. She rested her chin on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, you’re the only Captain Hook I want,” she assured him.

Welcome to the Family
Because they were both looking at each other, they missed the flicker of emotion that crossed Killian’s face at the mention of her name, before he carefully neutralized his expression.

By My Valentine
"Didn’t you have Valentine’s Day back in Fairy-tale land?" Henry asked inquisitively, folding the card back over and putting it in his bag again. He could write that later, right now this subject required his undivided attention. The most infamous pirate scoundrel had no idea of the significance of February the fourteenth or its added implications.

Henry’s Plan
Henry believes in true love because he’s seen it before. After meeting Killian Jones, Henry finds himself wanting a father. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to get one, even if that means letting his mother fall in love with a pirate.

Maybe
Hook decides to play a little trick on Emma, to get her to finally admit how she really feels. Maybe things don’t go exactly how he planned, but maybe they’re finally going to be able to find a happy ending with each other. Maybe they still have a long way to go. Maybe that’s okay.

Choosing Sides
"I’m pledging myself, and all my formidable skills, to Team Good."

Your Father’s Tact
"Captain," David begins, as he places his elbows on the table and folds his hands calmly in front of him. "What are your intentions with my daughter?"

But Wait, There’s More
In classic infomercial fashion, she was treated to a montage of one-handed people struggling with daily tasks, from getting dressed to opening jars to…archery? Yes, Emma realized, that really is a one-handed guy trying to shoot a bow. Is this a local channel? Storybrooke infomercials are seriously weird. 

Reeling for  Swan
"You desire me…you may have stolen my hook…but I assure you…I have other attachments that you may find…pleasing." Hook grinned, winking.

Killian’s Ultimatum
Killian got up as well and eyed the handcuffs playfully.

"Going to arrest me sheriff? Or have you finally given in to your desire to have your way with me?" He said, leaning up against the mast.

(yeah just like me) she was a victim of the night
She wasn’t sure what she had expected, but walking sex in black leather had not been it; she also wasn’t sure what she’d expected him to do, but look at her and smirk had also not been it.

Screw Destiny
"What’s this? Oh yes, my heart is most assuredly beating solely for the love of Emma Swan."

Lost and Found
While he was distracted kissing her languorously she reached back and grabbed something from her back pocket. Suddenly she pulled away from his mouth, earning a noise of protest as his hands were tied to his bedpost.

The Mischievous Captain
“You know what Swan, I think the deal is not over, you still owe me for the stunt you pulled at the beanstalk. But since I am a gentleman, I will only ask of you a kiss.” He used his hook to play with some of her hair, his hand leaning gently over her hips. 

The Swan
“Bloody third? Tell me why it is, Smee, that you deigned three days to tell me my swan and crocodile have gone amiss?”

Never
“I’ll always come back for you Emma, I think we both know that by now.” Killian’s eyes flickered between her lips and her eyes before dipping in and kissing her again. She wouldn’t be like Milah and he would never be like Neal. 

i’d be so good to you
"aye, i promise you, i won’t hurt emma. if i do, you have every right to put a sword to my throat." / or, five times killian jones is warned not to hurt emma, and the one time she’s warned not to hurt him. ; killian/emma

5 TIMES, A CAPTAIN SWAN FIC | PART ONE OF FIVE
Captain Hook wanders too close to the stables where Papa Swan lay in wait.
Notes: Set after return to Storybrooke, Captain Swan 5ever.

a pirate christmas
25 five days of christmas with our favorite one-handed pirate. ; killian/emma.

Killian uses his hook in, and outside, the bedroom
“Believe me, Emma, that was not my intention, not this time - though I’ll file it away for future reference,” and damn Killian if he didn’t look like a boy who’d been promised sexual favors. Emma’s scowl did nothing but stoke his fire.

Mistletoe
Hook discovers the story behind mistletoe, and abuses the foliage in an attempt to win a kiss from Emma.

where killian is a domestic house-wife, sort of
“Wake up late, love?” Killian was standing in the kitchen, already dressed in jeans and a collared shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows. Emma reluctantly admitted to herself that though he looked good in modern clothing, she missed the pirate garb.

Nausea Has Never Looked so Good
“Emma, a pirate’s woman simply cannot be seasick. You’re going to have to shape up.” Emma’s moan turned into a growl halfway through, and she raised a hand to smack her stupid soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend, but realized halfway through it was far too much effort and allowed her hand to drop back to the bed. Hook laughed, again. Asshole. “Come now, let’s get you up to the deck. You’ll feel better up there.”

Let’s Just Skip the Fairytale, Shall We?
"You have got to be kidding me."

Is the first thing that Emma says when she opens her eyes to find Hook staring down at her. Her voice makes Hook grin, but it’s a piss poor imitation of his usual smile. Emma doesn’t want to think it, but he actually looks terrified. Worse than terrified. The man looks like he’s gone ten rounds with the devil himself.

rum and other things
When Captain Hook catches up with them he is willing to forgive and forget the whole beanstalk thing…as long as Emma has a drink with him. First Once  Upon A Time fic. 

Family Resemblance
Hook has an encounter with a kid who seems to think he’s got the pirate all figured out.

A side of jealousy, if you please
Oneshot; based off of the prompt “It was a weird feeling but Hook suddenly had the urge to tear the man’s throat out.”

It was not a feeling he was familiar with, nor was he comfortable with it. He was Captain Hook after all; he had traveled countless seas, and encountered nameless beasts, besting them all, but one. Or two, as it seemed he was incapable of getting the upper hand when it came to the blonde haired woman wench that was Emma Swan. Who was, ironically, the cause of his current discomfort. Her and that idiotic puppet friend of hers.

surprise, surprise
There stood a lass that couldn’t be older than 18 with blond hair that wasn’t in a style and a rich embroidered blue coat with tight leather pants and boots to match. She was pretty and saucy, his favorite combination in a women.

I chose you
“ Emma, love! Look at this!” the hand holding the bottle shot up in the air and with his hook he made movements that she could only think of as being a way of pointing at his liquor. “It’s tequila. It’s delicious. “ 

The Lady Said No
Emma came down the steps, stopping when she reached the man in front of her. She raised her hand, slapping him across the face. “That, was for beating the crap out of Neal.” He was stunned for a moment, feeling Emma wrap her arms around him. “And this, is also for beating the crap out of Neal.”

Regulation Hottie

"Nope, I’m talking. You’re pissed because the woman you’re falling in love with just left you without a second thought."

image

Hook Vs. Jello

I Blame the Jello
“Come on Hook. It’s not going to hurt you anymore than you’ve hurt yourself. How many people have bested you now? At least three? You don’t want to add a food to that list, do you?” she giggled and scooped another helping of Jello onto the spoon.

The Consistency of Jell-O
Emma goes to see Hook after the announcement of Gold’s road trip and lunch just happens to be delivered. Mix a bit of charming Killian with jealous Emma, add a pretty nurse and a cup of Jell-O and this is the result. Recently extended to include a conversation between Gold and Emma on their way to find Bae.

Jello
"Are we quite sure this isn’t still alive," he deadpans, not taking his eyes off it. Emma doesn’t reply, rather walks up in front of him and pins him with a smug smile, suggesting he should figure it out for himself.

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